For years I struggled to define myself. I had quite literally trapped myself on a cyclical journey attempting to meet the non-existent expectations of others.
My role had changed. My career was paused. My perspective deeply shifted. And I didn’t know that this freedom would rattle my being. This freedom of time, of choice, of location was mine and being unleashed seemed too much to bear.
Who am I? How do I fill this space? In what way should I share my gifts? I was on a desperate, useless search to figure it all out and have an answer to all the questions.
But I sought those answers outside of myself, looking for mentors and paths and examples of those living the life I had envisioned for myself. I would pause long enough to demand answers from my Creator, but I never lingered long enough to get a response. I was mad and wild and relentless in my pursuit of grasping something that felt real and made sense.
But it didn’t. I finally had what I had been asking, praying, longing for and I had no idea what to do with it. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t even doing too much. I was simply given the opportunity and freedom to explore the many facets woven into my being. The beautiful array of colors, layers, depth and experiences that were always present and never meant to be defined by the constraints of words or this world.
What I needed was confidence, not in myself, but in my Maker. The Author of my life and presence. The One I told to use me. The Lord that knew it was time for me to move up a dimension.
Because just when I thought I had it all figured out, my faith was stretched and molded in ways beyond my comprehension. Because obedience is blind and love is never-ending. Because more branches needed to be pruned and roots lengthened to embrace deeper waters.
And daily my eyes are opened to the truth that there is no one like Me or Him.
I will never see an example. I must trust my existence, my purpose, my journey. It belongs to no one but me, and in order to reflect what He originally intended I must run and hide in His presence to even get a glimpse of who I can become.
So writer, nurse, consultant, educator, so on and so on – they’re fluid. It depends on the day, the moment, the Spirit led words that flow from my mouth. Because this journey isn’t about me. It’s about allowing Him to flow freely in my life and be and do what is necessary at any given moment. So excuse me if I stare when you ask me what I do. I’m waiting to hear the answer I’m meant to share with you.
And ultimately, know that what I do doesn’t matter. I do a million things every day and I strive to make it all for His glory, not mine. Because the truth is, that struggle was about me letting go of the need for outside validation. I wrestled to stop caring about what you think about me and the journey I’m on. I fought to release my own unrealistic, never intended for me anyway, expectations of myself and the life I’m called to live. I’m here because the battle has already been won and I must simply be obedient and courageous enough to get up every day and follow my Leader.
So here’s to a slower pace, wiser decisions, creative freedom and new adventures. The journey continues…